When I was younger I had issues with the world. I wanted to do something to make the world a better place. I wanted to be a better person myself. I had aspirations and dreams. I wanted to be a writer, an actor, a teacher, a chef, and even considered being a flight attendant. I just wanted to make the world a better place
I used to be as emotional as I am now. Come to think of it, it was probably the beginnings of my Multiple Sclerosis and nobody could diagnose it correctly. I would lose my temper easily, and was considered ‘an angry young man’. I do not know why I was so angry but I was. I had a wonderful upbringing with extended families and cousins that were (and still are) like siblings. I was still a very angry teenager. I was also sick, which ranged from anemia to hypoglycemia to getting malaria very often.
Whenever I was upset, I would run into the mosque and pray for strength. I would cry and pray for a miracle. Miracles are subjects for myths.
My parents were not wealthy and could not afford expensive schools or universities. They also spoiled me lots and loved me lots and we had great times together. I wouldn’t change anything. Ultimately, it was up to me how I turned out. Was I going to play the eternal victim and blame it on missed opportunities and what could have been? Or was I going to be a master of my own circumstance and destiny? I chose the latter. Not conscientiously but instinctively – To be the best you can, using the resources you have. That was what I believed then and that is what I believe today.
Now I have Multiple Sclerosis. How am I going to lead my life? Am I going to be a victim? Or am I going to be a master of my circumstance?
Religion has taught me “Be true to your self” and “Honor yourself”.
If ever I needed an answer to the question, “Why me?” it would be now.
Why not me?
Am I going to be a victim by even asking “Why me”? Or am I going to take the bull by the horns and be a master of my circumstance?
Well I am not a master of circumstance, as such. But, I can certainly accept things and continue doing my best, being my best and let nature and this illness take its course.
As much as I am an idealist, I like to think that I am more a realist who lives in the present world under my present conditions, whatever those conditions may be.
So why not take the bull by the horns? And if he has no horns, then grab him by the ears.
I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that I am having a hard time with my illness and the future looks dark and bleak. I cannot help but think the worst.
The good news is that I am not a quitter. I still do my best at everything I do and I now have to set a new pace. I need to contemplate less and do more - read more and write more - live more. I have made some adjustments that are required and I will re-invent my life, if I have to. I have people that love me so much, it is quite amazing. If I were to die tomorrow, I can say I have had an amazingly fulfilling and love-filled life but I am not about to give up and die.
So it is not just taking the one bull by the horns, I have the whole bloody herd by the bloody horns………..for now.
That is the great news…………for now.
